


Once in Bolvangar

by dustenigmas



Category: His Dark Materials (TV), His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
Genre: F/M, Jealousy, Minor Character Death, Mother-Daughter Relationship, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-19
Updated: 2021-03-01
Packaged: 2021-03-15 22:27:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,244
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29566092
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dustenigmas/pseuds/dustenigmas
Summary: In Bolvangar, one of the girls delivers Lyra to Mrs. Coulter.  Mother and daughter are reunited sooner than expected and have a heartfelt discussion, in which conflicting feelings and truths are revealed.{This fanfic is an alternate ending to the first season of His Dark Materials. The same ending will be kept, only how things happened will be different}
Relationships: Lord Asriel/Marisa Coulter, Lyra Belacqua & Marisa Coulter, Lyra Belacqua/Roger Parslow
Kudos: 47





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Heeey!  
> Well, lately I can't do anything other than writing fanfics of his dark materials. I had this idea a few days ago and I couldn't contain the will to share it with you, you know?   
> The scene where Mrs. Coulter goes to the girls' dormitory and Lyra is hiding could be very different, so this fanfic.   
> I don't know if I should prolong this story too much, I believe it will be only 3 chapters, but who knows?

Lyra had only been in Bolvangar for two days and had already done all the mapping of the place, she knew where to leave once she set her plan into action, but she still needed to inform the children better. The hardest part was getting them to trust her, especially after she had told everyone what was really happening in the place. 

One of the dormitory girls picked on Lyra, she didn't like that she had to help the girl to hide from Mrs. Coulter, and was afraid that this move would hurt her. So when Lyra told about what they were doing in the place, the girl found that this could be her bargain with the woman of the golden monkey daemon: her freedom for Lyra's.

And so Annie handed Lyra over to Lady Coulter, one freedom for another. The action caused nothing but the speed in the procedure of the traitorous girl, who was sent for intercision by Marisa. The older woman valued loyalty and the act of betrayal as much as it brought her daughter into her arms, also bothered her deeply - how could her daughter trust someone so treacherous? How many dangers had Lyra been through? 

"My dear, I cannot tell you how happy I am to have found you." Marisa was genuinely happy, though still bothered by recent events - like Lyra hiding under a bed to avoid being found by her own mother. 

"How did you find me?" Lyra didn't know about Annie's betrayal, nor would she if it was up to Marisa, she knew her daughter wouldn't forgive her for punishing the betrayer.

Punishment. Marisa began to wonder if Lyra knew what went on inside the buildings of that place. Surely her daughter was intelligent enough to imagine, but there was still a possibility that she didn't know the doings of the Oblation Council. The golden monkey mocked Marisa's thoughts regarding the girl's naivety, he knew that Lyra and Pan were too smart for their own good, which was a problem in London and would be a problem once again. 

"I had a whole team searching for you! I've missed my best assistant." Marisa brought one of her hands to the girl's cheek, careful not to startle her.

"But I didn't give my real name here." Lyra said low, as if afraid to speak aloud about her true identity in that place. 

Marisa noticed how shrinking her daughter looked inside Bolvangar's boardroom. As a woman who always wanted to keep her position and private life out of the judging eyes of the magisterium, Marisa escorted Lyra to her dormitory and private office in the premises - she was followed very reluctantly by the little girl. Lyra didn't know if she really wanted to be alone with Marisa, she didn't know much about the woman and the interest she had in her. The little girl only knew the nature of their relationship, they were mother and daughter. That was all. 

A few questions crowded Lyra's mind, questions she didn't have the courage or the time to ask the alethiometer: why did Marisa want her now? Where had Marisa been for the past twelve years? Why was Lyra so important? Why had Marisa lied about looking for Roger? 

The absence of answers made the daughter fear her mother more than anything else. As a result, Pan remained wrapped around Lyra's neck, out of reach of the golden monkey - a frightening figure for the young daemon, who had already suffered a fit of rage.

"You know, I prefer my privacy too. Important matters are best discussed away from prying eyes." Commented Marisa as she locked the door of her room. 

Out of the corner of her eye, Lyra noticed the digital password 8764, but she disguised it, she didn't want to show that she was desperate to get out of that place. If all went well, she would soon trick Marisa and run off to give an emergency signal to the children. The problem was that only a few knew of her plan and what really happened to a child taken by the doctors. 

"Sit here, Lyra." Mrs. Coulter patted the bed, anxious for some reaction from the inexpressive girl in front of her. 

Lyra sat down with Pan still wrapped around her neck, protected by the girl's loose hair. Both were under the attentive gaze of the golden monkey and Marisa. 

"How did you find out I was here? You didn't see me in the dormitory." 

"What matters is that we are reunited now, Lyra. I've been very worried about you, I didn't know where you were going. Those Gyptians kidnapped you under my own roof." Marisa's angry tone did not go unnoticed by the girl. Lyra realized that her mother dodged the question, someone had handed her over to Marisa and that was the only explanation.

Lyra was aware that Mrs. Coulter knew that she hadn't been kidnapped, she ran away because she wanted to and she couldn't wait to run away again. The girl realized that her mother wanted to pretend that they were on peaceful terrain, with a good relationship and that they would get along as they once did months ago back in London. To ensure her escape, Lyra needed to agree with the woman sitting in front of her, the woman who was looking at her with such affection and anger at the same time. 

"The Gyptians told me what I am to you." 

Marisa had her suspicions confirmed, she knew something had changed in Lyra's behavior and the way the girl was looking at her. 

Time seemed to freeze inside the room, mother and daughter confronting each other for gazes. Lyra was unable to disguise her hurt, anger, and disgust at Marisa's figure at that moment, especially because the girl loved her so much - she hated loving her mother. Marisa couldn't look at Lyra with any other feeling than admiration, the girl was so strong and so much like her at the same age, though far more rebellious and rude.

Mrs. Coulter feared only one thing: rejection. She knew very well how to recognize a hurt gaze, it was years of experience surviving in a world where she was the cause of them, but she didn't expect to receive that kind of look from her own blood. 

"I imagine you have questions." That was all Marisa could say without stop staring at Lyra. 

"Yes." Lyra took a deep breath.

"I can already imagine the first question..." 

"Why did you want me now?" Lyra interrupted her, not caring if that would be seen as rude. 

"I didn't keep you because it wouldn't have been good for either of us. I wasn't ready then..." 

"But now you're ready? Twelve years later." Lyra interrupted her again. 

"Lyra, if you let me finish one sentence... I can explain it to you! None of this was an easy decision, none of it. I couldn't have you in my arms after the trial, I lost custody of you." Marisa scowled and turned her face away to the door, avoiding looking at her daughter.

A bruised Lyra stared at the imperious woman; her mother was too much of a coward to admit the mistakes she had made. 

"You lied about who you were, you lied about looking for Roger. You lied about everything. All you do is lie. You are a liar." Lyra lost her patience. 

Pan turned into a small eagle and kept flying behind Lyra under the watchful eye of the golden monkey. Marisa's daemon realized that the situation would soon get out of hand, he might need to attack Pan again, only to have them obey, but he knew that if he did that... He would further damage the fragile relationship that was about to resume. 

"I didn't have you for twelve years, Lyra. Twelve years without knowing how you were, without knowing how you looked, without knowing if you had a proper education by those scholars. I didn't want to share you with anyone, ever again. I wanted you all to myself because believe it or not... I wanted a new beginning for both of us. The idea of sharing you with someone else was not something I was willing at that moment, and I knew that if I didn't promise you to find Roger you wouldn't come with me." Marisa was as sincere as she could be. 

"You captured him on purpose." Lyra accused her, though she was shaken by Marisa's revelation in wanting to make up for a lost time. 

"Yes, Lyra. I sped things up, but it would happen eventually. Roger was an orphan who lived running around the outskirts of the college, a child who if disappeared on any given day wouldn't be missed by anyone." 

"But he did. He matters to me. I was an orphan too, I could have disappeared and no one would have missed it... Only Roger." Lyra felt angry tears streaming down her face. 

"You were never an orphan, Lyra. You had the master to support you and the scholars to watch over you, you never were and never will be just anyone." Marisa took a deep breath in an attempt to control the anger and heartbreak she felt at hearing her own daughter call herself an orphan. 

Marisa moved closer to Lyra to try to console her, but her daughter only pulled further away. 

"I know now how important Roger is to you. I can set him free, send him back to Jordan College if it will make you happy. I never meant to cause you harm, Lyra." Marisa tried, she spoke half-truths. The woman was still unwilling to share Lyra, even more so after having lost her for long months. 

"Why would I trust you?" 

Marisa wished to giggle but held herself back. The woman stroked the golden monkey's fur hard, she was using strength in herself to hold back the anger and frustration that overwhelmed her at that moment. 

"You have no choice, Lyra. Look around. It's just you and me here, in my room, on my premises, in the far north." Marisa took a deep breath. "You won't be able to escape this place if you wish everyone to be safe. That's not a threat, that's a fact. Can you imagine if those children go out in their thin clothes through the snow? They'd freeze in no more than ten minutes." 

Lyra had to bite her own tongue to not give away the plan she had hatched, she would let Marisa think she was in complete control at the moment. Nothing good would come of a very heated argument with her mother, she knew better. Lyra was afraid of the words the woman used, she knew that nothing would stop Marisa from using the equipment on the children to pressure her daughter to behave. The mother was dangerous and she had to remind herself of that constantly to keep as many people safe as possible. 

"Okay." Pan turned back into a ferret and curled around Lyra's neck. 

The golden monkey tried an approach with the girl's daemon, but it only caused Pan to hide even more in Lyra's hair. 

"I have some business to take care of with my people now. The magisterium will probably want to question you about your captors, so why don't you get some rest? I'll be back any moment now." Marisa rose from the bed as if Lyra's daemon's rejection of her own was causing her pain. 

"I don't want to be alone." Lyra used her gentlest tone. The girl realized that this would be her best weapon against her mother, she had to be the sweet and kind girl that Mrs. Coulter had always wanted. Having that confidence would give her time to think about what to do when she had to face the Magisterium's interrogation, they could never find out about the Aletiometer. 

The golden monkey showed all of the amazement that Marisa didn't relay. Pan understood Lyra's game and stepped off the girl's neck, heading towards the golden monkey. The young daemon was not comfortable approaching but knew it needed to be done, even more so if they wanted to get out of that place as quickly as possible. Lyra was depending on Pan's cooperation. 

Mrs. Coulter felt her chest fill with satisfaction, her daughter wanted her for a while - of her own free will. Lyra wanted her. Even if only for a few moments. The woman wasn't stupid not to suspect that her daughter would do something to escape her clutches once more, but until then she would have time to prove that she was worth it, that Lyra could have a mother to rely on and trust. 

Marisa pulled Lyra by the shoulders, forcing the girl to stand. Mother and daughter hugged each other tightly. Part of them wanted to believe they could always stay like this and share a warmth they could never develop and show, but another knew they had to act cautiously.

"Oh, Lyra!" Mrs. Coulter ran her fingers down her daughter's back fondly. She finally had her daughter in her arms. The escaped little girl was finally in her arms and she would not let her go so easily.  


Pan stared at Lyra with despair as the golden monkey began to cuddle him. Marisa and her daemon were the portraits of each other, the possession and determination that cradled Pan and Lyra were mirrored. Lyra felt her heart tighten at the fear Pan exuded, she knew the daemon was in a more uncomfortable situation than she was - who hated feeling so at home in her mother's arms. At the moment they had to come to terms with the situation, Mrs. Coulter had a weakness and they knew what it was: Lyra's acceptance and unconditional love. 

Marisa's arms that wrapped around her daughter, softened the strength little by little until the little girl slept. Mrs. Coulter knew that Lyra was certainly not one to give up a good fight, especially one that involved such conflicting feelings as their relationship. Mother and daughter started well and had a terrible development of their relationship. The young woman stroked Lyra's hair, starting with curiosity and affection at her daughter's serene expression - the escape artist seemed an innocent child at the moment. 

Marisa and the golden monkey remained in that comfortable position for a while, they waited for months for the day when they would finally have Lyra and Pan under their domain. But there was still much to be done, starting with what she would tell the magisterium, where Lyra's alethiometer would be, and how she would go about effecting the arranged exchange with Asriel.

Marisa and Asriel had an agreement, he would deliver the blade for the intercision, and in return, he would gain a child. A fair exchange that served the purpose of both, the ambitions of the former lovers were relentless. They would never let anything get in the way if it was going to get in the way of their plans, not even a child that was the fruit of the love and sin they committed years ago. 

At that time, Marisa refused to take Lyra on because it would forever tarnish her reputation and prevent her from growing in the Magisterium, she would be condemned to ordinary life, away from the spotlight and center of power. Asriel, on the other hand, was unwilling to abandon his life as an explorer, he enjoyed the thrill of clearing new countries and venturing into the far north, places not suitable for a child. 

The wise woman knew she had dozens of children to choose from, but she had to think it through. Marisa also had to think that in a few hours she would meet Asriel and take Lyra with her - her daughter would never leave her sight, even if it meant a father-daughter meeting. Marisa also had to think that in a few hours she would meet Asriel and take Lyra with her - her daughter would never leave her sight, even if it meant a father-daughter meeting. Marisa wasn't so worried about what would come out of this meeting, she knew that Asriel wouldn't have time for her daughter at the moment, which didn't threaten her hold on the girl.

One idea flashed through Marisa's mind: Roger. The boy was and always would be a problem in the troubled mother-daughter relationship. Lyra would never give up on returning to Jordan College and leaving her mother's possessive arms once and for all. The golden monkey didn't like the idea, they could lose everything that was being rebuilt. 

Marisa scoffed at her daemon's fear since all the blame would fall on Asriel. She wouldn't have to share her daughter with her former lover, an arrogant man who paraded around with a sorceress in his arms. The ex lord made it very clear that a sorceress was the best company he could wish for, which bruised Marisa's ego.

They were never a couple, they just didn't get the chance. But the feeling of jealousy and possessiveness always remained, perhaps because they envied what they never had. 

She was not naïve to believe that Lyra would not suspect her when Roger died, so she was taking another child too. The point was that Marisa knew that the sacrifice Asriel intended to make would use a child with an age close to the daemon's settlement - which protected the other child she chose. 

Marisa sighed. She would let Lyra have friends. She wanted Lyra to have friends. But not now. Not Roger. Not someone who could take Lyra out of her watch.

The nurse Clara prepared both children, confused at what Marisa asked and why they were requested. Roger especially, because he knew what was happening at the board and thought he would be separated from his daemon forever at that moment. 

"Are you comfortable in your clothes? We are going out to explore the mountains of the far north. I need your assistance! Will you help me?" Only one child believed Marisa's sweet words, the other had a feeling something bad would happen. 

Marisa's voice was soft and able to convince even the most skeptical soul, it was easy to get carried away by the woman's sweet tone of voice and kindness. Only the one who looked into Marisa's eyes could see the truth.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heeey! hope you are enjoying this!

Marisa woke Lyra up with all the affection she had, but it didn't do much good as the girl feared her. Lyra struggled to control her urge to move away from the touch of Marisa's fingers, but she couldn't. The feelings were very conflicting, one part of the girl wanted to cuddle up even more with her mother, and the other part wanted to run away as fast as possible without ever looking back.

Pan curled up on Lyra's lap in the form of a white ferret. 

"Good morning, Lyra. I brought you some chamomile tea, my mother always made me one when I was emotional. I think the last few hours have been quite something." Marisa brought the glass with the tea close to Lyra's lips. The girl did not make a sign that she would take the offered drink. 

Marisa tried once more to bring the tea close to Lyra's mouth, but her daughter turned her face away. 

"Darling, I don't want to drug you and I'm not going to do that. That was a gesture of affection, my way of showing you that I am looking after you. Isn't that what you wanted when you dreamed of a mother you never knew?" Marisa played it low and knew it. 

"That was before I knew you were my mother." When Lyra realized what she said she was shocked. She couldn't mess up her plans to make Mrs. Coulter trust her. Lyra didn't lie in what she said, she dreamed for years what her mother would look like, what she would look like... For a while, she imagined what it would be like if Marisa was her mother, she hoped her mother would be like Mrs. Coulter: elegant, kind, loving, and beautiful. When the truth came out everything changed.

Perhaps if Lyra hadn't known what Mrs. Coulter really did, then things would have been different, she might still have been ecstatic at the revelation of the relationship. She would have been so proud. 

The girl threw herself into her mother's arms without caring if the woman was holding a glass. The conflicting feelings were getting in the way of her best judgment, but she tried to convince herself that she was only showing herself vulnerable because she needed her mother's trust.

The truth was that Lyra loved her very much. The love for the mother she never had, the possessive mother who would move heaven and earth to find her. The girl still held the can containing the spy fly, a gesture of Marisa's desperation for her. 

"I'm sorry." Lyra whispered. 

Marisa ran her fingers along her daughter's back, holding the girl in her arms.

"I suppose we're still learning how to deal with each other, aren't we? Well, we have a journey to take now. We're going to the mountains in the far north to find... to find your father." Marisa said, holding her daughter's chin between her fingers. 

Lyra looked at Mrs. Coulter, she didn't understand her mother's sudden change in wanting to meet Lord Asriel. In fact, she hadn't even considered that one day Marisa would take her to see her father. The Gyptians said they had a troubled relationship, that they were rivals. 

The girl remembered one of the Gyptians saying that Marisa had only been able to take her away from Jordan College because Asriel was in prison. Nothing made sense to Lyra. The girl took Pan on her lap, who was in the form of a wildcat. Only for a split second, Lyra thought her mother would abandon her with her father again, but she soon dismissed that idea when she remembered all of Mrs. Coulter's efforts in finding her.

"Why do you want to find Lord Asriel? Wasn't he a failure of a man and a failure of a father?" Lyra asked. 

Marisa faced her daughter with a certain annoyance, she didn't expect Lyra to follow her without question, but she did also believe that her daughter would know better than to ask things that Marisa wouldn't answer. She underestimated her daughter's intelligence and wit, a mistake. The golden monkey taunted Marisa in his thoughts, he knew that Marisa's plan contained flaws and that it could all go very wrong, that they risked breaking off their relationship forever. 

"Lyra, some things are grown-up talk."

"You get angry when you're hiding something."

"I'm not angry and I'm not hiding something." Marisa retorted already visibly nervous. 

Pan nodded to Lyra not to answer Mrs. Coulter, he realized that the golden monkey was in an alert position and would jump on him at the slightest sign of the woman. 

The young daemon reminded Lyra in the thought that they would be out of Bolvangar, they would be out of that horrid place, which increased their chances of escaping. For some reason, the girl and the young daemon felt pain at the thought that they would soon be gone forever from their mother and the creepy daemon. 

Lyra would have a better chance of escaping from Mrs. Coulter, who knows, maybe even Lord Asriel would help her with that? But the other children would still be doomed to separation, such a brutal procedure... A procedure she couldn't stop if she left Bolvangar. 

"Come on. I'll ask one of the nurses to get your coming clothes and we'll leave straight for the Zeppelin." Marisa forced Lyra to her feet. 

"And Roger?"

"He will come with us, dear. I won't hurt him, you have my word."

Her word. This rekindled the fire that Lyra had been trying to control since being reunited with Marisa. The girl no longer believed her mother's words, though she tried and was tempted to do believe them. Mrs. Coulter's soft voice and gentle manner were no longer enough to fool her, not even the clumsy attempts of the golden monkey to approach were welcomed by Pan. 

The weight of her own freedom gave Lyra the feeling that she was suffocating, suffocating for not being able to help other children, for not confronting Marisa as she should. 

"What about the other children? I know what happens here. I know about the intercision." Lyra eyed her mother suspiciously. She didn't know what she would gain by forcing an argument at that moment. 

The girl couldn't control the need to argue with the woman, it was impossible to look at the majestic figure without remembering all the horrors she caused in that place. Horrors that would continue if she didn't do something to stop it.

"I don't believe now is the time to discuss this, Lyra. You must understand that my work is of the utmost importance and will help make the world a better place, a world without sin and rebellion. This is not a conversation for now." Marisa tried to dodge the issue. 

"But I want to discuss it now. Will you save Roger and condemn all the other children? My friend is dead. Billy Costa died and you are the responsible party. How do you think it feels to look at yourself and see that you have caused so much harm? So much pain..." Lyra couldn't finish her speech because she felt a slap on her left cheek. Marisa lost her patience. 

The golden monkey was hunting Pan around the dormitory, the young daemon in ferret form was running around in order not to be caught by Mrs. Coulter's daemon. 

Marisa was floored. She had not meant to get out of control and slap her daughter like that, particularly now that they were walking in unfamiliar territory. Lyra had forced her into it, Lyra had pushed her to the limit. At least that was what she repeated to herself as she stared at the upset child in front of her. 

Lyra ran to the bedroom door and started banging on it, screaming for someone to open it. 

Mrs. Coulter needed to fix things fast. The Zeppelin was already ready for departure, the children were already in the airship and Lyra hadn't even changed clothes. 

"Lyra... I'm sorry, I didn't mean to do that." Mrs. Coulter tried to touch her shoulder, in a way of trying to control the girl's anger. 

The girl turned away from Marisa's touch and continued to struggle at the door asking to leave. They both knew that no one would comply with the girl's request, that was a fit of rage and pure out of control. Mrs. Coulter was proud to have a daughter who knew what she wanted and what she did not want, who did not measure her actions to show her discontent. However, the woman disgusted this uncontrolled behavior from Lyra, a behavior that did not measure the consequences of actions and acted on impulse. She had a big job to do to make Lyra fit into society. 

"Let go of me..." Lyra whispered with her forehead glued to the door.

"Never. Lyra, you are mine. I am protecting you, I will always protect you." Marisa's sweet words broke her daughter's heart - all Lyra wanted was a mother, but she understood at that moment that she could never have that if she wanted a better world.

Marisa wiped away the tears streaming down Lyra's face. She wrapped her daughter in a loving embrace. 

Mother and daughter were soon gone from Bolvangar, thanks to Marisa's skills at getting things done quickly - she took advantage of Lyra being upset and lost in her own thoughts to make her wishes count. 

Lyra and Roger's meeting seemed to re-energize the girl, according to the golden monkey's thoughts. He and Marisa exchanged a knowing glance as they watched the children interact, albeit bashful in their presence. A picture of the calm before the storm indeed. 

The woman realized that her daughter had the alethiometer in her possession, as she held a small bag over her filthy coat. At some opportune moment, she would address the issue of the alethiometer, which was not an object for children and should be kept out of the magisterium's sight at all costs. 

Marisa's mouth twitched as she noticed the state of the clothes Lyra was wearing, the gyptians had not provided something of quality for her daughter. The worn and dirty clothes reminded Marisa of what life was like for Lyra at Jordan College, whereas an orphan she received all sorts of donations. The imperious woman remembered when she had Lyra's first dress custom made, her daughter was so awkward and uncomfortable with the gift, but also so overjoyed at the idea of having something that was hers and hers alone. Mrs. Coulter sighed, she hoped she would be able to spoil Lyra in the future. 

The trip was short-lived, the fortress that Asriel was held prisoner in was near Bolvangar, a strategy that Mrs. Coulter used so that she could facilitate communication between the lovers. 

No one knew about Asriel and Marisa's furtive encounters, only Thorold - Asriel's loyal aide. Sometimes Marisa would take advantage of the fact that she would pay a visit to King Iofur to spend the night with Asriel. There was no mistrust on the part of the Magisterium because none ventured into those lands, the fear of an armored bear was stronger than the curiosity to know what Marisa was doing so much in the fortress. 

\-------------------------------------------

Asriel was livid when he realized that Marisa had brought her own daughter into his fortress. 

"How could you? I DIDN'T ASK FOR YOU!" Asriel paced back and forth in a clear sign of desperation. "That is mean of you, Marisa." The man pointed his finger in the direction of Mrs. Coulter, who took offense at the insinuation. 

The woman knew that Asriel was implying that she would be able to offer their daughter as a sacrifice for the experiment. The idea was absurd and caused a strange feeling in her body.

"Asriel! This is the first time in a year that you have seen your daughter and this is how you treat her? Is this how you behave in front of her friends?" 

Marisa's comment roused Asriel from her trance. Mrs. Coulter realized that Asriel had not seen that Roger and another little girl were accompanying Lyra. The children looked at the scene in awe, especially Lyra who was not used to such a clear rejection from her former uncle. 

"Thorold, prepare a bed for them." That was Asriel's blunt way of dismissing the two strange children from his sight, he wanted a moment alone with Lyra and Marisa. The union was something he never thought he would witness: his former lover and his daughter - the fruit of the sinful love between the two of them.

Asriel noticed Lyra and Marisa's similarities: the same eyebrows, the same disgruntled expression. They would be unbeatable if they were fighting on the same side, of that he was sure. 

"You're all grown up." Lyra couldn't hold back her smile, her ex uncle's compliments were never more than simple comments like that, but it was a sign that he cared enough to notice her. 

"So this is where you've spent the last few months." 

"It's not as if I have got many choices if I want to leave here, does it, Marisa?" Asriel debauched. A clear tease with his captor. Mrs. Coulter was keeping Asriel prisoner for the domain of Iofur. 

Lyra remembered her conversation with the Gyptians. They mentioned that her mother imprisoned her father in some fortress in the far north, only that way would she be able to reach Lyra. Lord Asriel would never have let her mother take her away from Jordan College. 

For a moment Lyra watched the silent exchange of glances between her parents. When she was in her early days in London, she used to fantasize about Mrs. Coulter and her uncle getting to know each other and falling in love, so they could adopt her and she would have a real family. The truth was that they were already a family, completely dysfunctional and with many problems, according to Pan. 

"Well, it seems cozy enough for our daughter and me to spend the night. As well as her guests." 

"Pretentious."

"I need to talk to you...." Lyra took a deep breath. Her ex uncle's presence made her insecure, especially after the strange reception. 

"Go ahead, Lyra." Asriel ordered as he put away some papers from on top of the coffee table in the living room. 

"Alone." Lyra avoided looking at Marisa, she knew her mother wouldn't like the request at all and even feared she wouldn't let her. 

Marisa was reluctant to leave the room, she didn't trust Asriel enough to prevent a possible escape from her daughter - she still wasn't convinced of Lyra's good behavior. The look on Asriel's face was what convinced her, a part of her knew that father and daughter needed time together, some things needed to be said and it wouldn't be in front of her. 

Asriel and Lyra sat side by side at the coffee table, still uncertain of each other's presence and what they should talk about. 

"I know you are my father." Lyra said after a few minutes in silence. 

"And that Marisa is your mother." Asriel complemented. 

"At Jordan College, you should have told me. Ever since forever. I would be so proud to tell everyone who you are, who my father is." 

Asriel was surprised by his daughter's words, he didn't expect that of all reactions. But he noticed the saddened expression on Lyra's face, the always curious and energetic girl seemed lost at his side. 

"I did what I did to protect you. Today I see that your mother put me here so that she could have access to you, at least that was her justification." 

"You think there's another one?"

"There's always something else involved when it comes to the imperious Marisa Coulter." Lyra laughed at Asriel.

"I... I would have been enough?" The girl asked unsurely. 

Lord Asriel looked at the girl beside him with all the love and affection he could muster, his daughter would always have his affection. She would not understand half of his reasons because she was still a child and had not gone through the malice of the world, society, and the magisterium. Lyra was naive and that naivety would soon end when you had Marisa and him as parents. 

Asriel held one of Lyra's hands. 

"You are the product of something extraordinary, Lyra. Always remember that. You are still too young to understand some things. One day you will be able to understand me, but I hope that day is still a long time coming." 

Lyra didn't expect to hear that from her ex-uncle, the girl's eyes filled with tears. 

In an attempt to distract from the disturbing topic of parenthood, Lyra showed Asriel the alethiometer she got from the master of Jordan college. She told him she could read and answer any question he asked, at first he doubted it as everyone else had done - Lyra had a reputation as a liar child, which was no surprise given who she was a daughter of. It didn't take long for Lyra to prove him right, she answered him how far the magisterium officers were from there, and what Marisa was wearing when they first met on the expedition north a few years ago. 

The girl's skill was undeniable, and that only convinced Asriel of the importance Lyra would have in the battle if she was needed. Part of him wanted to believe that his daughter would return to London with Marisa and be kept from all the chaos he would cause, but another needed Lyra's strength and astuteness to defeat the magisterium. 

"Does your mother know?"

"No, but I think she knows that I have the alethiometer with me." 

"Keep it up." Asriel asked before standing up.

"Will we have time now... For me to get to know you better?" Lyra asked hopefully, the last few minutes she spent with Asriel was the most time she had ever spent with him in her entire life. Pan played with Stelmaria's paw, who successfully ignored him.

Asriel couldn't answer, he wanted to say yes, but he knew that wasn't true. Father and daughter wouldn't see each other for a while and his life had no room for a child now, he didn't even know if it ever would. 

The night was completely strange. The children were afraid of Lord Asriel's figure, they were frightened by the man's repulsive reaction towards Lyra, his own daughter. 

"He looked at me like a predator, Lyra." Roger whispered.

"He just wasn't expecting visitors, it's all right." Lyra tried to appease the fearful expressions of Roger and Annie - the little girl her mother insisted should accompany their journey. Lyra had also thought her ex uncle's attitude was very strange, but she didn't want to worry Roger and Annie. Asriel was never a dangerous person and Lyra was counting on that, plus all the euphoria of seeing him after months of no news, which clouded her best judgment.

Meanwhile, Marisa and Asriel knew they were advancing across a terrain that would collapse at any minute. He understood the woman's game in bringing two children and her own daughter, Marisa really had no scruples. 

"Do you take me for a fool, Marisa?"

"No, pretentious yes."

"You show up with two children. One of them to die, one who is our daughter's most faithful friend. Did you really think I wouldn't notice that?" 

Marisa put on her best-misunderstood face. 

"How could I have known the other girl wouldn't fit?" Marisa asked with a voice full of poison.

Asriel moved closer to Marisa and placed his hands on the woman's hips. 

"I don't know how, but you knew. You wanted the death to fall on my shoulders so that Lyra would never blame you for what you architected." Asriel whispered in Marisa's ear. Asriel knew the consequences of Marisa's well-calculated actions, the woman always took very planned measures to avoid being taken by surprise. This time he would be the main one affected, the relationship he had with Lyra would end in a few hours. The Lord knew that the girl would not forgive him and a part of him was fine with that, because he could not give up his life's project now. The ambition was his weakness, not Lyra.

The woman felt her body tense at the possibility of Asriel screwing up her entire plan. Mrs. Coulter knew the man was not stupid and would connect things easily, but he had no proof that she read the report for the experiment the last time she was in the fortress. He had no proof because she was too insightful. 

Marisa slowly kissed Asriel's cheek, the shabby beard bothered her lips. She allowed herself to feel her ex and current lover. From a distance, Lyra didn't know what her parents were talking about, but seeing them so comfortable in each other's presence and exchanging affection reminded the girl of childhood daydreams. Deep down, Lyra knew something was wrong in that place. Her parents seemed trapped in a game of deceit, lies, and love. She didn't understand how adults could be so confused when it came to love, but she knew they cared for each other - in their own way.

In another life, they would have been a family and had everything, according to Pan. Lyra agreed with that, she knew that the couple in front of her was indomitable and would get anything they wanted... If they weren't on opposite sides. 

Lyra took the distracting moment of her parents to ask the Aletiometer a question. She asked when they would have a family moment like that again. The answer broke the girl's heart into pieces, that was the last moment the three of them would be together.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi! this is the last chapter and I hope you enjoy it

"I don't know what you're saying..."

"You do know."

"Asriel..." Marisa fearfully looked at him.  


"I'm not going to ruin whatever there you've concocted. You poison everything you touch, Marisa. Our daughter has someone who truly loves her in this fortress, a pure and genuine love. Do you think this is the love you feel for her? Do you think you love her?"

"I love her."

"Then for your sake, I hope she never suspects any of this."

Marisa ran her fingers through Asriel's hair. Both lost in the vastness of their own gazes. They could have been so much, could be so much if they didn't have ambition as their driving force. 

"I knew I could count on you." 

Asriel looked at Marisa with a sad expression. 

"The only reason I'm going ahead with this unscrupulous plan of yours is that I need to carry out the experiment at dawn, I don't have time to find another child." Asriel turned away from Marisa. "Your love is intoxicating, I have done and would continue to do anything for you, even ruin my relationship with Lyra because I don't want to see the suffering reflected in your eyes, even if you were the cause of them." 

Stelmaria growled at the golden monkey, although Asriel was restrained, he felt a lot of anger towards the woman in front of him. He knew everything would change for him, his relationship with Lyra would never be the same. 

"Asriel..." 

"Everything changes tomorrow, Marisa. You can still change sides..." Asriel tried to bring up the subject they both avoided with all their might. They were opposite sides, enemies at the polls. 

Marisa shook her head in disbelief. 

"I propose that we enjoy this evening rather than get into an argument that we know will lead nowhere." Marisa tried to persuade.

Asriel accepted, he thought it was better to have a little of what the woman could offer than having nothing at all. He loved her dearly, loved her to the point of feeling sorry for the path she was on. For a second he thought about the fate Lyra would have with Marisa, how she would be raised and the teachings she would have if she continued in the custody of the woman he loved. It would not be a good future. 

Stelmaria felt the same concern as Asriel, especially when she noticed that not far from that corner Lyra and Roger were chatting excitedly. The friends were immersed in their own world, innocent and distant from all the plans the adults were plotting a few meters away. The fierce daemon, in thought, asked Asriel to judge if Marisa was really the best person to have custody of Lyra; she urged him to go and talk to his daughter one last time. Asriel sighed. 

"Asriel?" Marisa was on her way out of the room when she noticed that the man wasn't moving and kept staring at their daughter.

"I'll be right there. I want to say goodnight to Lyra." 

"Then we can do that together, I haven't said goodbye to her yet." Marisa tried, she felt a chill at the way her lover and his daemon looked at Lyra and Roger. She felt afraid that he would take her daughter from her. 

Asriel merely nodded and moved closer to Lyra.

"Good night, dear. Sleep well and don't forget to sleep early, we have a lot to do." Marisa said with the sweetest smile for her daughter. Lyra stared at her with trepidation still. Everything was very new and although Marisa wanted everything to be as before, nothing was and nothing could be; the trust between them was very fragile. 

Lyra remembered the words of the alethiometer: this was the last time she and her parents would be together as a family. She would enjoy it. According to Pan, the world was unfair because only now that they got back the family they never had would they lose everything. The Rebel girl looked at her parents with anguish, she could see how much Marisa and Asriel loved each other and did well for each other - they seemed like completely different people. She wondered if she should tell them about what the alethiometer informed, maybe that would change the course of fate? 

"Good night, Mrs. Coulter." 

"Lyra... I am..." 

"Good night, Lyra. I'm not sure if we'll see each other in the morning, but I wanted to say I'm sorry we didn't have much time." Asriel interrupted Marisa, he knew the woman would correct Lyra and ask the girl to call her mother. One day she would understand that Lyra was not like any child and could not be molded. 

The girl noted that her father knew of the fate of the three. He knew that was the last moment they would be reunited, at least with all three present. That was Asriel's way of saying goodbye, without arousing suspicion in Mrs. Coulter. 

The adults said goodbye to the children as well, but before Asriel left the room he asked Lyra to follow him into the makeshift kitchen. Something Marisa didn't like and tried to join in.

"You know." Lyra said as soon as she noticed they were alone. 

"That we won't see each other for a while? Yes, I know." 

"That we won't be seeing each other anymore." Lyra avoided looking her father in the eye, she wanted to stay strong. 

"Listen Lyra, I didn't know if I should talk to you about this, but I've decided that I will. I need you to pay attention to what I'm going to tell you now. Stay away from the Magisterium, especially if your mother is present; she loves you very much, but she acts like a pet of Fra Pavel. Or at least she lets herself act like one." 

"She gets angry when they visit her." The girl shuddered as she remembered the fight between Pan and the golden monkey. 

"I need you to promise me that if one day you feel threatened, that you feel your safety is in danger... You will go to the Gyptians. I feel that your mother loves you, but as you may have noticed she is a complicated woman... and dangerous. You do not want to be on her bad side." Asriel warned.

"Okay." That was all Lyra could say. 

Asriel took his daughter's hand and caressed it with his fingers, this was the greatest display of affection he could give at the moment. 

"I wanted..." Lyra began. "I wish we had been a family."

"Do you really think we would have worked out?" Her father asked curiously.

The girl shrugged, she knew deep down that they would be an unhappy family, they were too different from each other. Anyway, dreaming was allowed and she would dream of this possibility: if everything would be different. 

\----------------------------------

"What did you want with Lyra?" Marisa couldn't help herself, she needed to know. 

"I asked what her favorite sweet was." The man sneered.

Marisa scoffed. 

"It doesn't matter. Tomorrow will be different."

The lovers looked deep into each other's eyes. Tomorrow would be very different, they would be apart for who knows how long, maybe forever. Neither seemed willing to say goodbye, they didn't want to give up everything they had, but they didn't trust each other enough to pursue a completely different life. 

Asriel never trusted Marisa the same way again after Lyra's custody hearing. The woman who swore to loved him told outrageous lies to the magisterium, seeking to save herself, even if she left their daughter to the care of the Church to do so. This was unforgivable for Asriel, he and Marisa had always agreed that if one day the case was exposed, they would protect the child - and that was all the woman failed to do. It took years for the man to be able to look into Marisa's eyes again, even then, the first time, he could barely control the contempt and anger he felt. 

None of it was any use, they were like magnets, they couldn't separate even if they tried. 

That night they didn't speak a word. 

Their bodies connected one last time. 

They pretended to sleep for each other so that they wouldn't have to disengage from the heat. Each one lost in their own world of possibilities. Each one with their own broken heart as they anticipated the silent goodbye that would occur in a few hours. 

\----------------------------------

"Lyra! Lyra! Roger's not here." Pan woke Lyra up in despair. 

The girl began to search every corner of Asriel's place, but careful not to wake the girl who was there and her mother who was probably asleep - she hoped so. All Lyra didn't want to do in that moment of desperation was to give satisfaction and talk to the woman who had led them there, the woman who had lied to her for months. 

"I don't know where he is." Lyra thought she would start to cry. 

Lyra observed a folded piece of paper on the corner table, a note on a crumpled paper. The girl opened it in a hurry. It was Asriel's handwriting. 

"Perhaps in another life." 

Asriel's sentence picked up on the conversation they'd had hours ago; he didn't think they would have worked out under those circumstances either. It already hurt the idea of admitting that, but reading that from her own father's handwriting created an unexpected pain. The young girl sighed and noticed that the girl from Bolvangar was still asleep as if nothing was happening. She probably didn't even notice that Roger wasn't there, if she had she would surely have woken her up. 

Pan turned into an owl and flew to the window. 

"The sled is not here. It has gone out. Asriel went out and took Roger." 

"Oh, Pan! He warned that he was afraid, that everything was strange. I didn't believe him. We have to go, we have to go now." Lyra started to put on her snow coat. She got ready as quickly as possible and left Asriel's lab as quietly as possible. 

The girl and Pan would walk to wherever Asriel took her friend. So many questions crowded her mind. Lyra felt the tears freeze on her face, it was too cold. She had to keep going. 

It was only after walking a few meters that Serafina appeared. The sorceress looked at Lyra impassively. 

"Serafina! You have to help me. Please!" 

The sorceress smiled warmly, she already knew everything - but Lyra couldn't know. 

"What do you need, child?" 

"Take me to where Lord Asriel is." 

And so it was done. The sorceress led Lyra to the mountain where Asriel and the young boy stood. She heeded the desperate plea of the girl she had sworn to protect; she knew how painful a trajectory awaited Lyra. 

"Lyra. I brought you here without asking you anything, but there is something I need to tell you." Serafina said in a serious tone of voice, which aroused fear in Lyra. 

"What, is it Iorek? Lee? They're okay, aren't they?" 

"They're fine Lyra." The sorceress smiled at the girl's questions, she cared more for others than herself. "I need to ask you to watch out for your mother and the magisterium. I assure you that you are their least favorite person right now. It doesn't matter if you are your mother's daughter, you are Asriel's daughter and you are someone they can punish. Take care, child. Especially now that we've managed to destroy Bolvangar. Lee and Iorek fought bravely to destroy the installation, but that was all thanks to you. When you warned some of the children about what was going to happen... They prepared themselves... You helped destroy your mother's life's work." 

Lyra was stunned by the sorceress's words. She was distressed with fear that she had left children to be killed with the brutal experiment. 

"My mother... Mrs. Coulter doesn't know that, does she?" 

"No. She doesn't know yet, but she will. The point is that the magisterium knows and this world is no longer safe for you, child. They will hunt you down and they will punish you in this world. Your mother can't stop that." Serafina stroked Lyra's cheek. "Take care, child."

The sorceress blamed herself for the words she had to convey to Lyra, she was distraught to be contributing indirectly to Roger's death, but there was no other way. The cut had to be made, the passage between the worlds had to be exposed, Lyra had to cross over. 

Lyra only realized where she was and what was happening when she noticed a burst of energy in the air. Desperation took over the girl's body, and she began to shout her friend's name as she climbed a piece of rock to get to where her father and Roger were. 

"Roger! Roger!"

Roger was dead. Dead and alone in the cold of the far north. Asriel was no longer there, he had already crossed over to the other world. 

"Roger... I'm sorry." Lyra cried with Roger's body in her arms. "He's still warm." 

Pan wrapped himself around Lyra's neck, he was sad because he would no longer have Roger's daemon to play with. The two of them had lost someone they loved dearly. The place they had so dreamed of knowing was the scene of the death of the person they loved the most. 

For years Lyra had no one, only Roger. He had only her too - and she was the one who betrayed him, she betrayed his trust and doubted his fear. 

Asriel knew all this. Just like Mrs. Coulter he had severed a daemon from the human. Lyra looked at all the equipment in disgust. She felt like she was going to throw up at any moment. 

The sound of the zeppelins revealed to Lyra how much she was not alone at that moment. The magisterium and her mother were probably on their way. They wouldn't let her go, they would arrest her - Serafina emphasized this. 

The girl knew that sorceresses couldn't lie, in fact, they might, but Lyra trusted Serafina with her life. The woman helped her a lot and always had a word of encouragement for her. If Serafina feared for her safety, then she was right. 

At that moment phrases from Asriel echoed in her mind: she had to be careful with the magisterium. Her mother was with the magisterium. 

For some reason, Lyra knew that Lady Coulter was in one of those zeppelins. She could sense it. 

"Lyra, if we want to escape... We have to go now." Pan said desperately. 

Lyra was not ready to dump Roger's body there. Where would that body go? Would it be devoured by wolves? Would it be covered in snow? No one would remember him. Just another dead child in the north. Just another child killed by the cut. 

The girl wiped the angry tears that streamed down her face. 

"I hate her, Pan. But I hate him more now." Lyra whispered as she dropped Roger's body beside the blade. 

With regret, Lyra and Pan crossed into the new world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, comments are always welcome! I would love to know what you thought of this alternative ending to the first season

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed it!   
> If you liked it, you can check out some of my other works :)


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